Volume 7 - The Intrigues of Suzumiya Haruhi Read online

  “What’s this, a Bernoulli lemniscate?”

  Right away, Haruhi noticed Koizumi’s drawing on the white board. She looked at the path I had traveled through time, her gaze like somebody stalking their own kid.

  “It can’t be. What formula would draw this line?”

  “I just drew it for fun.”

  Calmly, Koizumi stood up and erased the path off the white board.

  “I drew it to kill time, you don’t need to think too deeply about it.”

  Awesome excuse.

  “Oh, I see.”

  Haruhi easily believed it, because that thing didn’t matter. She threw the bag to me. After flying through the air, the bag landed in my hands. It was a bag filled to the brim with roasted soy beans.

  It’s Setsubun! Because it is Setsubun, we just have to scatter beans — is what Haruhi was thinking all through lunch break. At the time, Haruhi had loudly shouted,

  “I kept thinking I was forgetting something. Yeah, It was Setsubun!”

  Maybe she realized it after seeing Taniguchi’s lunch, sushi. As soon as Taniguchi opened his lunch box, he started to vent, “Oi, oi, what the hell is this? How come this is it?” angrily.

  “They made it for you with good intentions, don’t be picky.” I replied. But deep inside me, I agreed with this kid, and I do not approve of whoever made such a lunch. At least wrap it up after cutting it, don’t let Haruhi see.

  “Only worshipping foreign cultures isn’t good, you know. You have to respect your own tradition and enjoy the activities. It’s kind of a pity if you ignore them. Without it, half the fun will be gone. People who forget their roots are going down the wrong road!”

  Quiet. Wait. Is it possible she thinks she’s traveling down the right road? In my opinion, you would even go backwards on a road a wild pig usually goes down.

  “What are you talking about? I always set the king’s road as my goal. So, I do everything I can. Kyon, you even forgot today was Setsubun, right? That’s hard to forgive.”

  I’m pretty sure you forgot too. No, as I was about to say this, HR ended, and Haruhi started preparing immediately. The only thing she actually needs is soy beans and futomaki. She could get it herself. Luckily, I was called by our homeroom teacher Okabe-sensei to run an errand. Koizumi was also the cleaning person of the day. So, Haruhi could only get Nagato and Asahina-san to go with her. After school, the three of them left. They finally got back now. That’s basically what happened.

  We can just eat the futomaki facing the lucky direction of the year, but the soy beans have a specific function.

  “So, where are we going to scatter the beans?”

  I opened a bag and asked this while shoving beans toward my mouth. This would go well with some tea as a snack.

  “If we do it in the clubroom, it would be really hard to clean up, it’s best if we don’t.”

  “Anywhere’s fine.”

  Haruhi turns her bright eyes and says,

  “Oh, yeah! Dropping them off the highest balcony on the school into the courtyard is a good idea, right? The beans that drop onto the ground will become bird food, there’s no need to clean up.”

  Continuing, Haruhi declared,

  “We already have people suitable to be ‘lucky daughters’, so let’s do this on a grand scale.”

  The leader of the SOS Brigade was staring at Asahina-san, who was intently reading the package, and Nagato, who was already sitting down in front of the table, reading her detective novel.

  If there were a school contest to see who would be the best ‘lucky daughters’, the ones to win the grand prize and special mention would probably be these two. Putting that aside, this type of ‘scatter the beans and banish the demons’ event is right up their alley. Asahina-san could act it out; Nagato would do the actual banishing.

  We trailed behind Asahina-san and the person dragging her, Haruhi, finally reaching the highest balcony. There, we followed instructions, and start to scatter beans. The scatterers are the three girls in the Brigade, this was an order too. Koizumi and I are just responsible for replenishing their supply of beans as they scatter them around. Following Haruhi’s instructions, oddly enough, we actually do this thing well.

  When we first started, the students down there didn’t know what was going on, and ran around like a group of insects not wanting to die. But before a minute had passed, the guys had come back in twos and threes and started to fight for the beans Asahina-san and Nagato were throwing down just like it was for money. They generally avoided the beans that Haruhi and her strong arms were firing off, considering it was kind of like the beans were fired out of a gun. For this, they moved in unison, going left and right at the same time.

  “Stand and fight!”

  Haruhi said, lamenting.

  “Hey, if we had dressed Mikuru-chan up in a shrine maiden costume, we could have used this to make some money. Even if we only asked for 100 yen each, we’d still make quite a large sum, right?”

  If we had dressed her up in that costume, she would suddenly be very popular, but there’s nothing to worry about. Cosplay is limited to the clubroom only.

  “Whew, Fuku wa uchi — Umm, Yeah. Fuku wa uchi — ”

  I gazed at the frantically throwing Asahina-san and the completely silent Nagato tossing beans off the balcony. Of course, a picture of them in shrine maiden costumes went through my head, and I replied to Haruhi,

  “500 yen each, I say.”

  Anyway, they were yelling ‘Fuku wa uchi’ (Luck in!), only part of the traditional expression. This is because earlier…

  “Well, since I read ‘Naita Akaoni’, I vowed that if I ever met a demon, I would be nice to it. The Red Demon sure cried a lot. If I had seen that note, I would’ve happily gone to the Red Demons’ home to drink tea and eat dessert……”

  Haruhi, who was totally on the side of the demons, had stated this with a serious glint in her eye.

  “Hmm? Listen up. If you ever meet the Blue Demon, you have to be nice to him. Our doors are always open to anybody, even people who are not really people.”

  If we aren’t careful, the luck will continue to come in, and that’s good. But if we don’t let anything out I have the feeling it will inflate and pop, just like a bag. I agree with Haruhi on the Blue Demon part, though.

  Perhaps it was because it reminded me I had once cried over this in my childhood. Or because Nagato was right there throwing beans with a crude demon mask on the side of her head. I had wondered why the half-reading, half-listening-to-Haruhi Nagato had taken an interest in a mask made of paper. She had silently picked it up, stared at it like a scanner would and put it on her head.

  Maybe Haruhi’s phrase ‘people who are not really people’ touched her heart. — That was just a figment of my imagination.

  After Asahina-san and Nagato’s service throwing beans ended, we went back to the clubroom, and set to finishing off the futomaki. After searching for the lucky direction of the year on the internet, Haruhi split the food up.

  “Don’t talk before you finish. Here, everyone stand. Face that way and eat.”

  Five people stood facing one direction, forming a line, and soundlessly started to devour the futomaki

  Five people stood facing one direction, forming a line, and soundlessly started to devour the futomaki. This took a while; Haruhi and Nagato finished in about two or three bites, but Asahina-san, holding the sushi with two hands like a little woodland animal, savored it. I pray we won’t be having this tonight for dinner too.

  The remaining beans got put on a plate, and ended up in my and Haruhi’s stomachs along with some tea Asahina-san steeped. Setsubun is actually a holiday for eating, I have a new understanding now.

  Now, after all that, Haruhi should be pleased. But oddly, she was reserved again the following day. Like I said before, it’s not a serious melancholy, Setsubun proved that she was fine. But because of that, I didn’t know what to make of this, it doesn’t feel safe. It also seems that only I have noticed this me
lancholy. I don’t even need to talk about the clueless Taniguchi and Kunikida, and even the self-proclaimed Haruhi expert Koizumi hasn’t noticed.

  It is indeed weird.

  I’ve racked my brain, but I can’t continue to think about it.

  A more straight-forwardly strange thing has occurred, and it didn’t stop at being an odd mood like Haruhi’s, it actually took a shape that you could see with your eyes.

  Like I said before, I told Koizumi I wasn’t going to take him time traveling, and I meant it. I don’t really want to go to the past right now. I have done it lots of times, and there is no real reason to go.

  Can I stick to this pathetic wish? Well, I hope so.

  This time, the person who traveled back in time will not be me. I am not leaving this time at all, not one step. But even though I hoped otherwise, I was still sucked into this time’s time disturbance.

  That person appeared in the utility closet in the Literature Club’s room.

  Chapter 1

  3 The traditional East Asian calendar divides the year into 24 solar terms. Risshun is the first solar term of the year and is traditionally celebrated by the Chinese and Japanese. It’s also the festival which Haruhi mentioned in the prologue.

  It all happened a few days after Risshun[3].

  After school, I opened the door to the club room and embraced the coldness and emptiness that had awaited me. Not only was Asahina-san’s warm greeting absent, even Nagato’s chair was empty. Haruhi hadn’t returned yet, as it was her turn today to receive advice on her further studies. She would probably be in the staff room right now, making some unreasonable “career” plans with the homeroom teacher Okabe-sensei. If someone asked her what she would like to be after she grows up, she would probably put on a stern face and reply “Dictator”, “Supreme Ruler of the Universe” or something of the sort.

  If by any chance you do turn out to become one of the above, I would be very depressed.

  4 Chromium is passive with oxygen, i.e. forms a very thin, insoluble, protective oxide which prevents further oxidation of the underlying metal.

  Anyway, I’m sure Okabe-sensei would try his best to talk her out of it, advising her to do some serious planning about her future, while carefully mincing his words. If one tried to advise her blindly, she would probably react the same way that chromium does with oxygen[4]. It takes careful manipulation of words to persuade her out of something – that’s her specialty.

  I placed my bag on the desk and proceeded to turn the heater on. This should be able to provide some warmth to the freezing club room, which felt even colder due to the lack of the normally present brigade members. However, it would still be some time before the heat gradually builds up. Remember, we’re talking about an old heater here.

  Besides the heater, the only other artifact that’s able to generate heat would be Asahina-san’s tea kettle. I really want to drink her tea! The mere thought of this made me anxious, as I impatiently pulled my chair closer. This is when —-

  Clang.

  “What the?”

  The sound seemed to come from the corner of the room. I instinctively shot my glance at that direction, and looked at a tall rectangular object made out of metal, used to store cleaning utensils.

  Although every class had one, how Haruhi had managed to nick one for the club room was a complete mystery.

  The sound came from this broom closet.

  It must have been a broom or a mop falling over, I thought to myself. Just then —-

  Thunk.

  This time, it was softer.

  “This is starting to get creepy,” I said to myself.

  Have you ever experienced something like this? Let’s say everyone happens to go out, leaving you alone in the house. Theoretically, you should be all alone by yourself, but there’s still this eerie feeling that you aren’t alone, as if someone is hiding outside the windows. Although you have the urge to find out for yourself, the thought of someone really being there is just too scary, so you would probably try to ignore the entire situation. This is mainly caused by psychological factors.

  This is probably one of those scenarios, I thought to myself. Now if this had happened in my own house instead of the club room, I would have probably been too freaked out to investigate. But seeing that this is the school, and the sun still hadn’t set yet, there’s really nothing to fear.

  I walked towards the broom closet and opened the door, not expecting to see anything strange. What I saw had my eyes bulging out from their sockets.

  “…Eh?”

  Because there was something else other than brooms and mops, something totally unexpected. It was so bizarre, in fact, that what I had wanted to say in the first place abruptly turned into a series of questions.

  “…What are you doing in here?”

  This question was to be expected in the first place. The person looked at me and said,

  “Ah… K-Kyon-kun.”

  It was Asahina-san. For some reason, a relieved expression crossed her face, as she said, “You’ve been waiting all this time, haven’t you? That’s good. I was originally thinking about what I should do, but it’s good to see you here. Well, eh… What should I do?”

  “Huh?”

  “Eh?”

  Asahina-san blinked and looked at me. “Well… This isn’t such a bad time now, is it? We’ve definitely met here before…..” I looked at her with disbelief, as she stood together with the brooms, mops, and other cleaning utensils in the closet. As I looked at her petite figure clad in a sailor uniform, warning signs were going off in my brain, like smoke pouring out from a factory chimney during the rapid economy growth period.

  “Asahina-san…?”

  What was the meaning of this? Were you planning on playing hide and seek inside the closet? No, no, that’s not possible.

  The smoke had already begun to make a black haze. Suddenly…

  BANG! Asahina-san and I both jumped, before realizing that it was in fact someone knocking on the door. Just as I was about to answer…

  “Eh? Eh! No, you can’t…”

  I felt my neck tie being pulled, as my whole body was jerked forward. Asahina-san forcefully pulled me into the broom closet with her, before closing the closet door softly.

  Man, what does this mean? Can someone please explain to me what in the world is going on?

  “Shh, Kyon-kun, be quiet. Don’t make a sound.”

  By the light that shone through the small opening in the closet doors, I saw Asahina-san put her index finger to her lips.

  Even if she hadn’t said anything I wouldn’t have said anything. It was not like I had anything to say at the moment anyway.

  Under normal circumstances, it would be impossible to enter the broom closet. It would take the greatest effort for one person to squeeze in, never mind two. Haruhi had first abducted Asahina-san to be the official mascot because of her great figure. Needless to say, the both of us were meant to be together. And I mean that quite literally, as in the both of us pressed tightly against each other in a small broom closet. Even though there were uniforms in the way, I could still feel something warm and soft press against my chest.

  As I was lost in a world of my own, I suddenly heard the sound of a door being opened. It seemed that someone had come in, but I really couldn’t give a damn right now. Just like two people trying to keep each other warm with their body heat in the middle of a cottage without any heating facilities during winter, Asahina-san clung tightly to me, while breathing heavily. I had no idea why she was clinging tightly to me, but who cares. A chance like this only comes once in a blue moon.

  Warning signs my ass. The black haze had suddenly turned into blissful ozone, taking me into the very depths of wonderland itself…

  Oh well, I suppose there isn’t any need to continue talking to myself. All I want is for time to freeze at this moment. Nothing else.

  However, my fantasies were quickly put to a stop when I heard the person who had entered the room open her
mouth to speak.

  “Eh? There’s no one here… But the heater is on… Ah? Isn’t this Kyon-kun’s bag? Did he go to the toilet?”

  I looked at Asahina-san, who had grabbed onto my neck tie. Asahina-san also looked at me, as if returning my gaze.

  Then, I slowly turned my head behind and looked at the narrow opening that was the only source of light. Even though my neck was unable to rotate 180 degrees, I could still see what was happening outside through the corner of my eye.

  “…!” I remained silent, too shocked to respond.

  Standing outside was another Asahina-san.

  The Asahina-san outside first warmed her hands by the heater, humming to herself, then soon walked away from my line of sight. By the time she reappeared, a maid’s outfit was in her hand. She then proceeded to take off the red sailor ribbon by her collar and place it on a chair. After that, she unhooked her sailor uniform, and began undressing.

  5 Ellipses: plural of ellipsis.

  “…!” Those three ellipses[5] appeared above my head.

  Asahina-san placed her sailor blouse on the same chair, as her hands reached down to her waist. This time, my head was covered by someone’s palm.

  “…!”

  The Asahina-san in the closet with me covered my eyes with her hands, before forcefully rotating my neck back to its original position. Even though it was dark, I could guess that Asahina-san’s face would be beet red. Her lips twitched as she mouthed the words:

  “Don’t… look…”

  Even though I don’t know how to read lips, I can easily tell that was what she wanted to say. Too bad the warning came a bit too late. I had already seen something I wasn’t supposed to see. Well, to show my deepest apologies, I shut my mouth and began to reassess the situation.

  There are two Asahina-sans.

  Wait a second. If it’s Asahina-san (Big) and Asahina-san (Small) you’re talking about, then I can still differentiate them. It may be due to the fact that I’ve seen her so many times already that even if she were to appear here, I wouldn’t be surprised.