Volume 3 - The Boredom of Suzumiya Haruhi

  Volume 3

  The Sighs of Suzumiya Haruhi

  Prologue

  As much as I’d like to say the club was founded on the melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi, my own melancholy would be a much more appropriate description. The SOS Brigade was established in early spring, while the whole self-made movie incident happened in the autumn. The project caused me to sigh endlessly, but hardly fazed Haruhi.

  Half a year had gone by between the two events. Of course, in that time, which included the summer, Haruhi could not and did not let time pass by pointlessly. It was no surprise that there had been so many illogical and absurd incidents. I don’t even know if some of them were real incidents or just accidents. Let’s just say that we were pulled into everything against our desires.

  No matter what you say, seasons come and seasons go. As the average temperature rises, inconceivable ideas arise endlessly from Haruhi’s mind, similar to how different kinds of insects appear out of nowhere. It would be all right if she kept those ideas inside her head, but no, those ideas always result in a variety of creepy situations that the whole group is forced to deal with properly. What is going on?

  I don’t know what Koizumi, Nagato, or Asahina-san are thinking, but here is what my self-diagnosis tells me, at least. My mind and body are healthy, but every time something happens, I feel as if I am some sort of small round animal that can’t move easily because I ate too much. The same ending always happens, and that is myself rolling on and on down the hill.

  Perhaps I have already started rolling.

  Haruhi has a very bothersome habit: whenever her mind is not filled with happy thoughts, she starts thinking up ideas that make you want to laugh and cry at the same time. Anyway, she just cannot endure sitting still and doing nothing. She is just that kind of person. Whenever she has nothing to do, she will go and find something to do. This will usually be something absurd. From my personal experiences, whenever Haruhi says something, the rest of us will not be able to enjoy our peaceful days. Perhaps those good old days will never come back. What a troublesome person.

  It doesn’t matter if the result is good or bad, as long as her life is not boring. That’s Suzumiya Haruhi for you.

  Because this is a rare chance, let me share with you how our SOS brigade fought back “boredom” during the half a year when our melancholy became frustration. As to why I said this is a rare chance, I actually don’t know. I just think that it wouldn’t do me harm if I shared the stories. And, anyway, I really hope that at least one person will “share” my indescribable feelings.

  Yes… Let’s start with that silly baseball game.

  The Boredom of Suzumiya Haruhi

  One day in the headquarters of the “Save the world by Overloading it with fun: Suzumiya Haruhi’s Brigade,” or SOS Brigade for short (in reality the Literature Club room), Haruhi announced with the same enthusiasm as a baseball team captain who drew the first seed at Koushien:

  “We are entering the baseball tournament!”

  It was after school one day in June, and it had been two weeks since the “nightmare” event. Since then, I had been unable to concentrate on my studies. My test results were a real life nightmare, on this early summer day. Haruhi didn’t seem like she had been paying attention in class, yet her results made it into the top 10. If there exists a God in this world, I believe that he is a mischievous and biased person.

  Oh well, this didn’t matter anymore. I am more concerned with the content of Haruhi’s announcement. What was she talking about?

  I looked around at the three other people in the room.

  The first that caught my eye was Asahina-san, her face as innocent as that of a middle school student. If she had white fluffy wings, she would look like a cute little angel on her way back to heaven. Her face and small body suits her. I know full well that she can be very glamorous.

  For reasons unknown to me, Asahina-san was the only person in the room not wearing her high school uniform. Instead, she was wearing a pink nurse uniform. With her cute lips half opened, she looked intently at Haruhi. She is not a nursing student nor a costume-wearing weirdo, but is just merely following the instructions of Haruhi. Haruhi must have bought this costume from some odd website again. She’s been bringing weird clothes and making Asahina-san wear them. I believe many people would be asking the same question, “What’s the point in wearing these clothes?”

  She replied, “Why do we need an explanation for that?”

  Haruhi instructed Asahina-san, “You must wear this costume whenever you’re in this room, always!” Asahina-san would resist with “But, but…” In the end, she would still obediently follow Haruhi’s commands with tears in her eyes. She looked so adorable that sometimes I felt compelled to embrace her from behind. Yet so far I have not been able to do that, I assure you.

  By the way, just for your information, two weeks ago her standard attire was a maid costume, but right now it’s hanging on the clothes rack. Actually the maid costume suits Asahina-san better and I preferred it more, so I do hope she would revert to that costume soon. I believe Asahina-san would comply with the audience’s request, though she would be troubled and embarrassed by it. Yup, that would be good.

  After hearing Haruhi’s speech on the baseball tournament, Asahina-san the nurse made her comment,

  “Umm……”

  She made a sound as sweet as a canary then stopped. It was natural for her to have such a reaction.

  I turned my gaze to the other girl in the room.

  Her height is similar to Asahina-san’s, but her presence, compared to Asahina-san, was like that of a thin cabbage to a sunflower. Nagato Yuki, as always, was indifferent to her surroundings as her gaze was fixed on her open hardbound book.

  About every ten seconds, she would flip the pages with her finger, it was then that people could realize that this girl was still living. I was sure a parrot would have a bigger vocabulary than she would, and even a hibernating groundhog would be more active than she is.

  As her presence doesn’t really make a difference, there was no need to describe her in detail. If I have to make a brief description, then she’s a first year student, like Haruhi and me, and she is the sole member of the Literature Club - the original occupant of this room. In other words, our club, the SOS Brigade, has borrowed the use of this room from the Literature Club. To be more precise, we have taken over this room like parasites. Of course the school has not approved of this, since our application to form a club has been ignored by the student council.

  “……”

  I turned my gaze away from Nagato’s expressionless face, and saw sitting by the side the handsome grinning face of Koizumi Itsuki. He looked at me with an amused expression. This guy’s opinions were of lesser importance than Nagato’s. This mysterious transfer student - according to Haruhi anyway - brushed aside his bangs and slowly broke into a smile, much to my chagrin. As our eyes met, I had a strong urge to punch him as he shrugged his shoulders meaninglessly. He was seriously asking for a beating.

  “What did you say we are entering?”

  As no one said anything, I, as always, replied on behalf of the group. Why does everyone treat me as a communication relay to Haruhi? Nothing is as bothersome as this duty.

  “This.”

  Haruhi gave me a flyer cheerfully. I took a glance at Asahina-san, who had bad memories with flyers, and saw her backing away trembling, and read out the words on the piece of paper.

  “The Ninth City Amateur Baseball Tournament.”

  It was probably a tournament to decide which baseball team was the best in the city. It was organized by the city council, and seemed to have some histor
y, being held every year.

  “Hmm……”

  I raised my head. Haruhi’s one-hundred percent smile almost glowed straight into my eyes, I backed away for half a step involuntarily.

  “So, who’s entering this field baseball tournament?”

  I knew the answer already, yet I still decided to ask.

  “Us, obviously!” Haruhi said firmly.

  “When you say us, does that include me, Asahina-san, Nagato, and Koizumi?”

  “Who else can it be?”

  “Couldn’t you have asked for our consent first?”

  “We’ll need to find four more people.”

  As usual, she only hears the things she wants to hear. I suddenly thought of something.

  “Do you know the rules for baseball?”

  “More or less. It just involves pitching, catching, base running, sliding and blocking. I joined the Baseball Team for a bit, so I know the basics.”

  “A bit? Just how long did you join them for?”

  “Just under an hour. It was dead boring so I left.”

  If baseball was so boring, then why join a baseball tournament? And why do we have to participate as well? Faced with my natural question, Haruhi made the following reply,

  “This is a chance to leave our mark on the world! If we win this tournament, we could become famous overnight, it’s a great opportunity!”

  First, I don’t want the name of this brigade being spread even further. Secondly, so what if the SOS Brigade becomes famous overnight? What do you mean by a great opportunity?

  I didn’t know what to say, and Asahina-san looked stunned as well. Koizumi mumbled, “So that’s how it is,” without looking concerned. As for Nagato, was she troubled by it? She probably didn’t even hear what was being said, as she remained as still as a pottery, her face remained blank as ever.

  “Isn’t it a nice idea, Mikuru-chan?”

  Faced with Haruhi’s sudden question, Asahina-san seemed withdrawn,

  “Eh? But… But……”

  “Well?”

  Like a crocodile ambushing a little deer drinking water at the lake, Haruhi moved behind Asahina-san, who was about to stand up, and grabbed the tiny nurse - or hospital attendant to be precise - from behind.

  “Kyaa! Wh… What are you doing?!”

  “Listen, in this brigade, the orders of the commander are absolute. Insubordination is a serious offense! We’ll handle all opinions during the meeting!”

  Meeting? Does she mean those meetings which she holds whenever she felt like stuffing weird ideas down our throats?

  Haruhi grappled Asahina-san’s neck with her snake-like arms as Asahina-san struggled,

  “Doesn’t baseball sound like fun? Just so you know, our target is to win this! Not a single defeat will be accepted! Because I hate losing!”

  “Wah……”

  Asahina-san rolled her eyes and blushed furiously as she trembled. While Haruhi held Asahina-san tight like a professional wrestler and nibbled at her ears while staring at me fiercely, seemingly unhappy with me, and looking enviously at Asahina-san.

  “Any problems?”

  It wouldn’t matter even if we had any. No matter what we say, you never intended to listen to them anyway.

  “I don’t see why not.”

  Hey! Don’t just agree blindly! How about raising your objection every once in a while?

  “Then I’ll go get the baseball equipment from the Baseball Team!”

  Haruhi bolted out of the classroom like a small tornado. Asahina-san, finally free from Haruhi’s grasp, slumped onto her chair exhausted.

  Koizumi expressed his thoughts. “We should be lucky that she’s not starting a war to capture aliens or planning a trip in search for Unidentified Mysterious Animals. Baseball has nothing to do with the terrifying paranormal phenomena which we fear most, right?”

  “Makes sense.”

  I’ve decided to agree with his reasoning for now. No matter how insane Haruhi is, she has not asked to go search for aliens, time travelers and espers. If that’s the case, instead of wandering around the city searching for supernatural occurrences which was near impossible (this happened to be the main activity of the SOS Brigade), we might as well play a game of baseball. Besides, even Asahina-san was nodding her head in agreement.

  However, our speculations were wide off the mark. Not only did they miss their target, the arrows fired by Haruhi had shot through the wall and had flown off somewhere. I only learned of this soon after.

  At any rate, I thought to myself, even if it’s not baseball, anything that could attract attention would do for her. The SOS Brigade which Haruhi had carried the banner for not only has a despicable name, it’s not even a club, not to mention it’s not recognized by the school, it was only created because she felt like it.

  The official name, “Save the world by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruhi’s Brigade,” is not only long and condescending, it just sounds abstractly absurd. After my suggestion to shorten the name got cruelly rejected, I had not been able to find a chance to change its name.

  I once asked Haruhi what kind of activity this club is involved in, Haruhi replied with the face of a soldier who had just cut off the head of the enemy general,

  “To find aliens, time travelers, and espers, and play with them!”

  This was the famous quote of the eccentric Suzumiya Haruhi, well-known around school since the beginning, and has been associated with queerness ever since she said that.

  This was just like crows searching for glowing objects; cats leaping at any small rolling objects; and rushing for the insecticide when one sees a cockroach in the kitchen. Once she sees something that interests her, be it dodgeball, netball or cricket, she’ll probably yell loudly, “I want to do that!” Maybe I should be grateful we aren’t playing rugby, since we would need to find more people to make up the numbers for rugby.

  To put it simply, Haruhi was just feeling bored.

  I had no idea what deal Haruhi had gone through, but she returned like a cyclone carrying a whole box of baseball equipment. Inside the small cardboard box which looked as though it contained an abandoned puppy were nine worn-out baseball gloves and a baseball bat with plenty of dents on it, as well as a few dirty hard baseballs.

  “Wait,”

  I said, looking once again at the flyer description,

  “This is a softball tournament. Why are you bringing baseballs?”

  “What’s the difference? They’re still balls, and they still fly when you hit them with a bat. Don’t worry about that.”

  I remember playing baseball back in elementary school, but I haven’t touched this game ever since then. However, I at least knew the major difference between a baseball and a softball - it hurts when you get whacked by a regular baseball.

  “Then wouldn’t it be fine as long as we don’t hit anyone?”

  Haruhi rejected my objection with a look that said, I don’t see what all the fuss is about.

  I decided not to argue with her,

  “Then when’s the match gonna be held?”

  “This Sunday.”

  “That’s the day after tomorrow!! Isn’t that way too soon!?”

  “But I’ve already registered. Oh, don’t worry, I’ve decided the team will be called the SOS Brigade. That I’m pretty sure of.”

  I felt exasperated. “…so where are you going to find the other team members?”

  “We’ll just randomly grab anyone walking around.”

  Are you serious? With the exception of one person, anyone targeted by Haruhi is usually not a normal person. That rare exception would be me. And I had no intention on getting acquainted with even more mysterious people,

  “All right then, you stay put. I’ll take care of choosing the team. First…”

  I thought of the guys in Class 1-5. The only ones who would come at once without hesitation… That’ll be Taniguchi and Kunikida I guess.

  Hearing my suggestion, Haruhi replied,

  �
�Those would do.”

  She treats her classmates as mere objects.

  “It’s better than none.”

  The other guys would probably flee at the mention of Suzumiya Haruhi’s name. Now, where to find the other two players?

  “Excuse me,”

  Asahina-san politely raised her arm and said,

  “If it’s possible for my friend……”

  “Then that’ll do.”

  Haruhi responded immediately. Looks like anyone was fine. Maybe for you it didn’t matter who it was, but I was concerned. Asahina-san’s friend? When and where did she befriend someone?

  Asahina-san probably noticed my concerned look and said to me,

  “It’s fine. This person…is a friend I’ve met in class,”

  She tried to allay my fears. At this moment, Koizumi spoke as well,

  “In that case, maybe I should bring a friend as well? In fact, I know someone who’s interested in our club…”

  I shut him up before he could finish. There’s no need to bring your buddies over, they’re going to be freaks anyway.

  “I’ll think of someone.”

  If there was no selection criteria, then there are other friends I know of. Haruhi nodded her head pleasingly.

  “Then let us begin our training!”

  Oh boy, it was only natural for the topic to come to this.

  “We start now.”

  Now!? Where?

  “In the track field.”

  Bring it on! The sound of the Baseball Team yelling their slogans can be heard outside the window.

  Speaking of which - I know it’s awkward to suddenly change the subject - but I have to let you know, besides myself, the other four people gathered here in this room, for certain reasons, are not normal people. Only Haruhi wasn’t aware of this. The other three have all willingly revealed their identities to me, and hope that I would understand. If my common sense was like the Earth, then the three of them would be as incomprehensible as objects revolving beyond the orbit of Pluto. However, since the end of last month, I have gone through some experiences that led me to believe that they might be telling the truth. I didn’t want to know the truth, but ever since I was forced into Haruhi’s club, I don’t think this small wish of mine has ever been granted.